


Magical Unicorn of Life

by braeden



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Babies, Crack, Daddy!Derek, Fluff and Crack, Kid Fic, M/M, Magic, Mpreg, Parents & Children, Pregnant Stiles, Twins, Unicorns, actual delivery off screen, babies are kind of cute, daddy!stiles, some mentions of labor but nothing too drastic I mean you've heard worse on discovery channel, stiles is kind of moody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-21
Updated: 2013-05-21
Packaged: 2017-12-12 12:42:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/811715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/braeden/pseuds/braeden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What the fuck do you mean 'magical unicorn of life'. Deaton what the fuck kind of crack are you smoking?"...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Magical Unicorn of Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Extremediva](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Extremediva/gifts).



> Basically this is just crack. Don't take it seriously at all. I don't know why you would take it seriously anyway, it's about magical mpreg unicorns....
> 
>   **Prompt(s):** Alicia said it would be funny if there was a story about Stiles and Derek running into a mpreg unicorn and she wanted Stiles to be the pregnant one. This is all for her and I regret nothing.
> 
> This picture was a huge source of inspiration for me while writing.  
> 
> 
> No beta so expect grammatical errors and run on sentences.

"What the fuck do you mean 'magical unicorn of life'. Deaton what the fuck kind of crack are you smoking? Unicorns aren't real and men can't get pregnant. There's no biological way that's even possible." 

Derek tried to hide his laughter but he was really as irritated as Stiles was at the news. Seriously why did this stupid unicorn think it could just up and change their whole lives without asking. 

Deaton cleared his throat to keep Stiles from continuing on with his rant "Actually the unicorn sets in place all the mechanisms needed to sustain and deliver a fetus. I'd show you but I'd rather not." 

Derek's eyes went large and he noticed Stiles' own eyes match his facial expression "Wait, you mean? Oh hell no." He shook his head and started towards the door then stopped. 

He was hoping to call Deaton on his bluff but realized he wasn't lying. "You're serious aren't you?" 

The vet simply nodded and said “Yes.” 

The werewolf grabbed the teenager by the arm and drug him outside to the Camaro. 

"Fucking magical unicorn of life. Fucking unicorns are supposed to be cool. I go my whole life hoping they're real and I finally meet one and it turns my life into a joke. Seriously, I'm 17 and you are no more emotionally fit to be a parent than I am. Not to mention I hate you and I doubt you care much about me either." Stiles railed on. 

Derek rolled his eyes. "Shut up stiles you're giving me a migraine." He paused and started the car before continuing "You know this is your fault anyway. If you hadn't of pissed it off this wouldn't of happened." 

Stiles sunk back in the seat and sulked "You shut up. It's not my fault you made me mad. Damn this is almost like 'Freaky Friday' minus the body switching. Maybe if we learn to get along it'll go away." 

The alpha fought the urge to roll his eyes again "I highly doubt that would work in this case." 

Annoyed and at his wits end with the news Stiles opened the door and jumped out of the car before Derek had even fully parked. “Stupid unicorn. Stupid magic. Stupid Derek.” He muttered as he fumbled through his pocket to find the key to the house. 

He hadn't noticed his dad was home and was oblivious to his general surroundings. It wasn't until he ran into Sheriff Stilinski coming out of the dinning room that he came back to reality. 

Sheriff eyed him and then he eyed Derek who had just walked in behind Stiles. “Uh. Mind telling me what's going on?” He placed his hands on Stiles' shoulders and demanded Stiles' attention as if Stiles were a 5 year old again. 

Stiles shook his dad's hands off of him and muttered “Stupid.” 

Sheriff looked irritated now. “Stiles did you just call me stupid?”

The boy looked up and shook his head “What? No.”  
Derek let out an irritated breath. “Sheriff. Stiles isn't referring to you as stupid, he means his current situation is stupid.” 

Sheriff's eyebrow shot up and Stiles turned full stop to give Derek the death glare of his life. Derek shrugged. “What?” 

At his wits end with all the hoopla Sheriff cleared his throat and spoke in an authoritative manner. “Son you're going to tell me what's going on. You got about 5 seconds to explain before I take your car keys away and you're walking to school the rest of the semester.” 

Stiles turned back to face his dad and blurted out before he could even really think about it much “Dad I'm pregnant ok. Sheesh. A stupid unicorn saw Derek and me in the woods when we were looking for evidence. I guess it heard us fighting and decided this was a good way to make us get along.” He huffed out the sentence. Then he finished with, “There. Are you happy now?” 

The man's mouth just hung open and he fought to find the words to say. “Are you on drugs? Son unicorns aren't real and you're not actually pregnant.” He started to push Stiles towards the living room. “Go sit down. I'll bring you a glass of water. Your brain is probably frying right now.” 

They walked into the room with Stiles not putting up much of a fight. Sheriff pushed Stiles down into the couch and went off to the kitchen.

When Sheriff had left Derek joined Stiles on the couch and Stiles hit him in the chest as hard as he could. “You jackass! Why did you tell him! I could have went at least a few more months without him finding out. You are actually the worst. I hate you so much.” 

Derek shook his head and laughed. “You keep saying you hate me but I highly doubt that. You're forgetting I'm a werewolf. I can tell when you're lying.” Stiles made a face at him just as Sheriff walked back into the room.

“I'm going to pretend I didn't hear what you just said Hale. Because at this point I'm sure you're both on drugs and I'm about to have to call in some favors to get you both rehabilitated.” Sheriff Stilinski placed a cup of water in Stiles' hands. “Drink.” Stiles eyed the cup of water he was holding and was tempted to pour the whole thing on Derek's head. 

Eventually he obeyed his father though and drunk the whole cup in a matter of seconds. “Dad I'm not on drugs. I'm not lying to you. Not about anything. Derek wasn't lying either.” There, they were even. 

Sheriff Stilinski rubbed his temples and looked between his son and the other man. “You're telling me you want me to believe there's unicorns and werewolves and you're not actually on drugs right now?” Stiles nodded. “Derek show him.” 

Derek reluctantly shifted his face and flashed his red eyes at the sheriff. He wasn't used to taking orders from anyone, but Stiles was trying to prove a point and this was one of the rare moments where he listened to the kid. 

Sheriff's face turned a greenish color and he fell back towards the floor before Derek could jump up and catch him. “Woah there Sheriff.” Derek said. 

Stiles panicked and raced to their side “I think he's had a heart attack. Is he even breathing anymore?” Derek picked the man up and carried him to the couch then sat him down. “He's fine Stiles. He's just in shock. I can't really say I blame him. He did just find out werewolves and unicorns are real and he's probably piecing together that you're not lying about being pregnant either.” 

Sheriff's eyes opened again and he turned to face Stiles who had moved to sit next to him. “So you're both telling the truth then?” He rubbed his temples again and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Kid, you get yourself into the craziest trouble. Of course my son would be the one knocked up with a werewolf's offspring. All thanks to a relationship counseling unicorn.” Sheriff leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes again. “I'm taking a nap and when I wake up this all better be a dream.”

Clearing his throat Stiles started to speak up to tell his father that he wasn't dreaming but Derek stopped him. “Just let him sleep Stiles. He'll figure it out.”

Sheriff kept his eyes closed but said. “I heard that Hale. I'm choosing ignore everything you say.”

\--------------------

7 and a half months later and Stiles was feeling as big as a house. He found it hard to move and dammit these babies wouldn't stop kicking his organs every time he tried to get comfortable.

After the sheriff had finally realized Stiles wasn't lying he made sure to lay down the law. Stiles might as well of been on house arrest for what it was worth. He hadn't been allowed to leave the house except to go to school and after a while he'd opted for homeschooling. He'd managed to get a note from a doctor recommended by Deaton that had deemed him “contagious and otherwise unfit to attend school until further notice.” 

Stiles had a good laugh at that one but it worked. Now every week Scott brought over his homework and textbooks so he wouldn't get behind on anything.

Of course he was still pissed off about the whole situation. Hell he hadn't even had the fun of being fucked by Derek Hale and here he was having his offspring. Lovely. He was definitely not looking forward to being stuck the rest of his life attached to Hale. Sure he had a thing for the emotionally damaged werewolf but that wasn't the point. 

Under Sheriff Stilinski's law, Derek was only allowed to visit while Sheriff was at home and they weren't allowed to be alone together. Stiles wasn't sure what the deal with that was. It felt like beating a horse after it had already been dead three days. 

Late one evening after an appointment with Deaton's recommended friend who - for whatever reason - knew a large amount about male pregnancy, magical unicorns, and werewolves, Derek was over at the Stilinski house for a visit. 

Stiles was uncomfortable and sweaty and hungry. He groaned and sat down in one of the chairs at the kitchen table. “Derek rub my feet. They're swollen.” He put a leg on Derek's lap and wiggled his shoeless foot around. “Please?” He pleaded with the most innocent look on his face. 

Derek obliged and started rubbing Stiles' foot. “Your feet smell disgusting Stiles.” Stiles made a face at him. “Oh shut up and rub them before I...” Derek cut him off. “Before you what?” Stiles huffed and rolled his shoulders forward to release the tension built up in them. “I'll think of something.”

One of the babies didn't agree with the position Stiles was sitting in and pushed against his ribs until finally he had to move his leg and reposition himself. “This isn't even fair!” 

He whined while pushing the kid down so he could breath properly again. “Ugh. I hate unicorns. I didn't even get a chance to sleep with you before you knocked me up.”

He frowned and Sheriff threw up a hand as if to block out what he was hearing while walking to the kitchen sink to put away leftover dishes. “I don't want to hear about it Stiles.” He left the room and went back to his office. 

“Magic. Fucking magic unicorns. Seriously. Sounds like some kind of crazy drug induced story. No wonder dad thought we were high when we told him what happened.” Stiles stood up from the chair and Derek looked up at him from where he was sitting. “Where are you going?” He inquired.

“I'm getting orange juice.” Stiles brushed past Derek and towards the fridge. He rummaged around until he found the carton of oj. Then he drank it straight from the container. 

Stiles was less than thrilled about his current situation. Even so he had long ago accepted his fate and had started lovingly referring to the babies as “Twilight Sparkle” and “Princess Celestia”. _Might as well make the best of it_. He figured.

\--------------------

He can't recall ever feeling this much pain before in his life, EVER. Stiles threw up a fist at Derek's face and screamed “I FUCKING HATE YOU! IF YOU HADN'T OF BEEN ARGUING WITH ME THAT STUPID UNICORN WOULDN'T OF DONE THIS! UGH I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU!” Then the pain passed and Stiles was feeling lightheaded from all the screaming.

Derek was panicked and keeping a better eye on Stiles' vital signs than even the machines were doing. If anything seemed out of line he was prepared to intervene despite being told to keep his nose out of it. “I'm sorry, ok. You kept taunting me and I just snapped.” 

Stiles gripped the bed rail and closed his eyes as more pain hit him. “Where is the doctor? Tell them to give me something for pain. I'm dying. I'm actually dying.” 

Sheriff came back from a coffee break only to be bombarded with “DAD THEY'RE KILLING ME! MAKE IT STOP!” Which was a mix between heartbreaking and humorous. Of course Sheriff knew that Stiles wasn't actually dying but nonetheless his heart did break for his son's dilemma.

“Hold on I'll get the nurse.” There had been two nurses assigned to Stiles' room. One being Ms. McCall and the other being an older woman who worked with the doctor Stiles had been seeing. 

Her name was Bonehilda and she was old and frumpy looking. She'd seen a few of these cases before and wasn't even in the slightest phased as to the fact that Stiles was a male giving birth to infants. No, she just saw fit that her job got done and everything went as smooth as possible.  
When Bonehilda walked in the room with a cart full of needles and some weird looking pump device Stiles started regretting his choice for drugs. “Uhm. Wait. That thing... You're sticking that in my spine?! ARE YOU CRAZY?!” He glared at Derek and Melissa gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You'll be fine Stiles. I've been where you are and trust me you'll feel better once it's over.” 

Stiles shook his head “No you don't understand. I have a deadly fear of needles and that thing is huge.” Derek eyed the needle Bonehilda was holding and then looked at Stiles. Stiles had a legitimate reason to be afraid of that thing. It was massive. 

“They'll numb it first. You won't feel a thing.” Melissa said as Bonehilda moved in closer with the cart. “Just sit still. It'll be over in a few minutes.” She said patting him on the shoulder.

He took a deep breath and leaned forward so Bonehilda could get the pain medicine in. The first needle was the numbing anesthetic he'd been promised. It wasn't so bad. He calmed down a bit and then suddenly “One more stick and you can relax I promise.” That's when Stiles noticed Derek start to panic and in turn he started to panic as well.

Next thing Stiles remembered was a prick that hurt like a motherfucker and he yelped. “Sorry. That is unavoidable.” Bonehilda said when she was finishing up. 

Stiles leaned back into the bed as the medicine rushed through him and he no longer felt the pain. “LIES! All lies! Melissa you lied to me. You said it wouldn't hurt.” Sheriff was standing in the corner chuckling. Melissa patted Stiles on the shoulder and grinned smugly. “Sorry sweetie. It was the only way to get you to take it.” 

She looked up at Derek and made a pushing motion with her hands “Ok out. Everybody out. We're delivering some babies. Lord help us all.” 

Of course the thought of being alone was unnerving to Stiles but whatever, he was so beyond his comfort level at this point and was just ready for this to be over with.

Derek paced the waiting room floor with Sheriff Stilinski standing up against the door frame of the room. “Derek stop pacing. You're making me nervous just looking at you. He'll be fine you know?” 

He nodded at the sheriff and stopped pacing then sat in one of the chairs and rung his hands together nervously.

It felt like an eternity but finally Melissa came in the room with a bounce on her step and a smile on her face as she announced. “We have twins! A boy and a girl. Beautiful babies. Wait till you see them.” She pushed Derek out the door and motioned for Sheriff to follow them.

Stiles was sitting up in the bed holding one of the babies while the other was being occupied by Bonehilda. 

Bonehilda handed Derek the second baby that had been wrapped tightly in a little bundle. The hat on it's head was nearly falling off the baby was so small. He looked at it and then at Stiles because this was his kid. No doubt about it. That little face showed a perfect mix of Derek and Stiles and he had no idea how but that stupid magical unicorn had gotten their DNA mixed perfectly to create these babies.

“Is this the boy or the girl?” he asked, because they both looked the same to him. The baby he was holding squirmed in his arms and puckered it's lips together. 

Stiles shook his head. “Can't even tell your own kid?” He teased. “That one's our daughter and this is our son. They need names. Since we agreed to wait until we saw them before coming up with anything, anything coming to mind?” 

He looked at the baby and studied her for a little bit. “She looks like a Leah. And I like the name Genevieve for a middle name. That looks like it fits her.” Derek said finally. “Yeah it does, doesn't it?” Stiles grinned. 

The baby Stiles was holding made a whimpering sound and he looked down at him. “Ok now you need a name.” After watching the baby's face shift into a variety of different expressions he smiled as a name came to him “Brandon. Brandon Rowan Hale. That's what you look like to me.” He watched Derek's face for any signs of disapproval but found none.

Sheriff had been standing around waiting for the opportunity to snatch up one of the babies. He was their only surviving grandparent. He might not be particularly happy about the situation but they were his grandchildren nonetheless and he'd be damned if he didn't make sure he was a good grandfather. 

Derek wasn't about to give up Leah any time soon and Sheriff knew it by the look Derek had on his face. He went for Stiles instead. 

Stiles handed over the baby with little fuss. He knew he'd get him back before long and plus his dad had been supportive through the whole thing despite having adverse feelings towards everything.

Some time around evening Scott showed up with Isaac and saw the twins. Scott was amused by them, while Isaac seemed a little afraid that he was going to hurt them. He managed to hold Leah for a minute before she started crying and Derek took her away. 

Stiles could tell Leah was going to have Derek wrapped around her tiny finger.

He looked down at Brandon who was sleeping quietly in his arms sucking on a binky and making cute baby sounds. Stiles just shook his head and smiled. 

He couldn't believe this was going to be his life now and he wasn't exactly sure he knew how to be nurturing. One thing he knew for certain was that he loved those two tiny creatures and his priorities had somehow managed to change to being all about them within the last 24 hours.

Still he couldn't help but say out loud, “Fucking stupid magical unicorn of life.” and the whole room chuckled.

**Author's Note:**

> and they lived happily ever after... or not since this is Beacon Hills after all.
> 
> Fun facts:
> 
>   * The babies were nicknamed after two of the unicorns from My Little Pony. Since Stiles and Derek didn't know the gender he gave them the nicknames Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle even though there was a chance one or both of them might actually be boys. Twilight Sparkle is Stiles' favorite pony btw. 
>   * The second nurse was named after the skeleton maid from [the Sims](http://sims.wikia.com/wiki/Bonehilda). I imagine she looks like a chubby faced old Russian woman. Who's really tough but has a soft side to her.
> 

> 
>   
>   
> zee babies look something like this...  
> (Stiles dressed them, much to Derek's dismay)  
> Oh and you can buy the outfit [here](http://www.etsy.com/listing/105430870/2-baby-boygirl-twin-knitted-red-riding).


End file.
